non-monogamous relationship check-in
What is a relationship check-in?
A non-monogamous relationship check-in is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a scheduled, regular conversation in which each person in the partnership, triad or polycule gets an opportunity to hear and be heard. It’s a tool for cultivating connection and alignment in your polyamorous relationships.
Why should you have one?
When navigating multiple relationships, there is a lot of information that needs to be shared between partners – relationship updates, emotional updates, diary updates and so on. Often, sharing information can come with difficult emotions and reactions from both sides. For those of us who lean avoidant, have people pleasing tendencies, or dislike difficult conversations it can be really hard to know when to bring this information up, especially when partners have responded badly to receiving information in the past it can put you into a headspace of “I don’t want to bring this up because it’s going to ruin the vibe”. Having a scheduled time to do relationship updates helps to remove the guesswork around when is a ‘good time’ to bring something up and allows your body time to prepare for a potentially difficult conversation.
Many people find themselves falling into the cycle of having constant relationship chats and not leaving any time to actually enjoy the relationship. Having a time booked in the diary to chat about your feelings and updates offers an opportunity to be more boundaried and intentional with the time that you spend together.
It’s a small habit that can make a huge difference when it comes to staying in alignment with the people you care about.
How to have a relationship check-in
Here is a template with 10 questions designed to help you foster greater understanding.
Schedule it in ahead of time and on a recurring basis - an hour once a month tends to work for a lot of people, but the frequency and length is up to you
Choose your space intentionally - opt for a calm space and move your phones away from you - place your full attention onto each other. Don’t have your check-in in bed, late at night, or on an empty stomach.
Find the formality of it too intense? Try going on a walk instead
Stick to I statements. Using ‘you’ statements can escalate hostility, using I statements keeps the conversation firmly rooted in your own experience and allows for deeper communication. So rather than ‘you are so selfish when you don’t tell me when you’ll be home’ try ‘I feel anxious and disregarded when you don’t tell me you’re going to be late’
Take turns to answer each question, try not to interrupt each other and let each person speak about their experience of the relationship in full. You can respond to what’s been said after they finish their flow
Start with a positive question that lands you into this space of connection
Cover all the topics that are important to you both, covering matters of the heart and logistical admin too
Find or create a template that works for you and your current relationship goals
End on a positive question to bring the energy back to one of appreciation
Integrate a grounding exercise to get back into your bodies at the end - just a few minutes of eye gazing, hugging, dancing, kissing - whatever makes you feel connected
There are many different formats out there, if you’re looking for further reading then the RADAR format created by Multiamory is a solid place to start.
Ultimately, you want to create a format that works for you, asks the important questions and is manageable.
